SLASH FACTS- My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine -

SLASH FACTS- My Bloody Valentine

Well, he we are again. One of the most celebrated and commercialized holidays yet: Valentine’s Day. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of love in my life that calls for celebration. I just think it’s overrated is all. Luckily, we have early 1980’s slasher flicks like My Bloody Valentine to keep us calm when the florists are out of roses on the morning of February 14th. Into the deepest mines of your heart we go!

My Bloody Valentine

Released in US theaters- February 11, 1981

Directed By- George Mihalka

Written By- Stephen A. Miller & John Beaird

Rated- R

Run Time- 1 hour 30 minutes

Kill Count- 16

Killer- “The Miner” a.k.a. Harry Warden/ Axel Palmer

Number of Sequels- 1 Remake in 2009- My Bloody Valentine 3D

Personal Rating- 7/10 Pickaxes

Deaths

  1. Woman in Mine/ Pat Hemmingway- Early boobs in horror movies are never a bad thing. That is except for when they’re impaled from behind. How tragic.
  2. Four Miners/ Uncredited- All eaten. All digested by Harry Warden. I wonder if he got sick from eating all that raw meat. It could make for a fun spin off. “My Bloody Valentine: The Lost Tapes.”
  3. Two Mining Supervisors/ Jeff Fulton & Fred Waters- Now we only see one of these supervisors pickaxed. But then we see two heart shaped boxes stacked and bleeding on one another filled with two human hearts. Forest Gump’s mom never said anything about life being like a box of hearts.
  4. Mabel/ Patricia Hamilton- This was a dirty trick by the old Hannigar miner. Leaving a gift for a sweet lady only to break her heart in two with his trusty pickaxe. A low-down dirty shame. I wonder how long it took to stuff in the dryer where Chief Newby finds her?
  5. Happy/ Jack Van Evera- Now, Happy kind of deserved it right? I mean just let these kids party! Don’t go around setting up pranks to scare them. Now he has a pickaxe in his throat/ eye. A little bit of Harry Warden karma for you, Happy.
  6. Dave/ Carl Marotte- Not the most important of kills, but a very fun one. That hot dog flavored water, shout out to Limp Bizkit, had to taste awful. His head being boiled was probably worse, but I can’t be sure.
  7. Sylvia/ Helene Udy- Sylvia made a classic mistake. Don’t run off to shag in the mines! And for her troubles, she took a pipe through the back of the head and was hung by it. This scene is very similar to a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A cool nudge to a fellow slasher.
  8. Mike and Harriet/ Thomas Kovacs and Terry Waterland- This was another off screen kill. We can assume that the massive drill bit they were stuck together with was some sort of mining tool found deep in there. Being that there wasn’t much blood, I wonder The Miner actually drilled it into them or stabbed them. It would’ve been cool to see!
  9. Hollis/ Keith Knight- The Miner followed a very important rule in this kill scene put forth by the film Zombieland. The double tap. Hollis takes two nails to the head at point blank range and still manages to stumble to his friends to warn them about what’s up!
  10. Howard/ Alf Humphreys- This is one of the coolest scenes in this movie to me! Now, we didn’t get to see him captured, but we got to see Howard hung, decapitated, and smack the ground like a bag of mining tools from way up high. Brutal.
  11. Patty/ Cynthia Dale- Cynthia took this pickaxe deep to the stomach from out of nowhere. It’s in there so deep that it takes a couple of tugs to get it out of here. Classic. But a bit of a bummer for the final kill.

Honorable mentions

Neil Affleck as Axel

Lori Hallier as Sarah

Paul Kelman as T.J.

Don Franks as Chief Newby

This film really shows the excitement that comes with lust and tragedy. It gives us, or me at least, a feeling that chasing after your loved one is sweet, kind, and heartfelt. But it can also be the end of the line for some. The things we do for love are sometimes crazy. But if we could pick who we loved, would it be as special? Just ask Harry Warden…

“Every February 14th, Harry comes back to town, his pickaxe stained with blood, waiting in the shadows of the Hanniger Mine, just for someone to kill, should they not heed his warning. IT COULD BE YOU!”

-Happy

 

Cannibal John


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